May 17, 2004

It Came From BROOD X!

We’ve been waiting. Each evening we look to the skies. At night we cower in our Martha Stewart-shrouded bed linens. It’s quiet right now. But, beware, we know what awaits us at dawn’s early break. No one is safe from… BROOD X.

At first, we just thought Miffy, our beloved and elderly cat had decided to take a walk. Funny, she’s an indoor cat. We don’t know how she got out. But this morning we found the door open and cicada exoskeletons wrapped around the door handle. Could this be? After 17 years, has this generation actually learned to work together?

The invasion has begun. Oh, they seduce us with their pretty little red eyes and alluring sound. But we know the truth.

Reconnaissance mission to dssess the enemy. Location classified.

All of a sudden there are thousands of them. Each morning they move closer. I took this photograph on a reconnaissance mission at 0800 this morning. I can’t disclose the location.

My oldest daughter runs screaming into the house. My youngest has gotten an adult stuck to her shoe. She runs to safety, dons her winter boots, and heads out to collect the vestiges of the invaders’ first wave. My oldest pulls herself together and tells me she is no longer afraid. She shows her bravery by walking peacefully to the car without uttering a single shriek. Our children are our future. Already they are training for the next generation’s emergence.

Where is the army when you need it? Why did Bush sacrifice us to bring democracy to the Middle East? The Homeland has been left defenseless. Karl Rove we know your little plan. We’ve been waiting for the Republicans to find Osama. But this is how you’re really planning on winning the election.

We sent a volunteer to the Front with state-of-the-art high powered audio equipment (produced with a government contract) to record those buggers’ plans. He has just returned and we are bringing the unedited audio to you. Fighter jets can be heard high above as we radio in our coordinates. Near the end of this track you can hear a brave soul riding his Army AK-22 bicycle into the hoard. Alas, he was never heard from again.

Listen to their war chants. Use earphones if you can. We don’t want to give away our position (Quicktime, 1:22 min., 1.2 MB).

We are doomed. DOOMED.

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