Jeff Likes to Tell Stories

Welcome to my blog. I haven’t kept up with it in a while. But I hope to get back to writing the types of stories you’ll find here. If my life was a sitcom, these might be considered scripts for the show. I write about my life, my interactions with my family and those strangers I encounter on a daily basis. My more serious writing can be found in various places. But I often post them on Medium.

Artistic Tendencies, Fairly Odd Parents-Present / 04.01.2008

This 1950s Ranch MUST be seen to be believed! Amenities included. A larger view. With the housing market tanking, home sellers must devise new ways to attract buyers. I'd like to offer this suggestion: do it in gingerbread. When having an open house the smell of freshly baked cookies always adds an aroma of value. Adding ownership of this cookie at closing will be just the push your prospective buyer needs. I smell bidding war! Well, we're not selling our house but Susie and girls decided to construct a scale model replica of our 1950s ranch anyway. Using elevations from a...

Artistic Tendencies / 29.12.2007

I don't want to give it all away, Randy. But here's a photo of Darth Vader from the front. You'll have to see Revenge of the Sith to find out the details of this makeover. "Randy" is a cultural vortex (he has requested his true identity be kept a secret). As a multimedia artist he thrives on current events, molding them into his own version of reality. Put simply, they are his muses. So I was shocked when he announced over dinner the other night "Did you know that Darth Vader is Luke's father?!" Shocked. "What?" He repeated his pronouncement with the same...

Child's Play, Fairly Odd Parents-Present, Idiosyncratic Celebrations / 23.12.2007

You might remember we dodged a bullet a few weeks ago over the Tooth Fairy. But the big question remains: does our youngest still believe in Santa? Last week I got a voicemail from my wife: "I just thought you should know, on the way to school today your daughter announced she no longer believes in Santa Claus." Well, I thought, it's over and it seemed so easy. For the rest of the afternoon the weight of my bureaucratic day job seemed so light. At dinner that night I angled for the confirmation. "So, mom told me you no longer believe...

Fairly Odd Parents-Present, Medicinal Properties / 09.12.2007

Nurse... Nuurse... Nuuuurse...

Fellow ER Patient Moaning in Pain

It began as a pressure in my lower back. Instinctively, I knew what it was. I broke out in a cold sweat knowing that over the next few days I would feel what my father and my sister had both felt. Our shared genetic connection: I was about to pass a kidney stone.

I had dodged this bullet before. Three times I had passed a stone with no pain whatsoever. In fact, I didn't even realize I was passing a stone until it unceremoniously plopped into the toilet. Such was my luck. But that was about to run out.

It was a dull pain that began about 10 am. Focusing on my work, I could ignore it for most of the day. But on the commute home I couldn't shake it. As a diversion I looked around at my fellow commuters. How many were involved in their own pains? I was able to mask mine, but anticipated walking through my front door when I would finally be able to acknowledge it with a moan. That's when it seized me.

Fairly Odd Parents-Present / 25.11.2007

To document this event I ran into the house for my camera, depositing leaf particles throughout the interior. A cold late-day Thanksgiving wind brought down the rest of our tree's leaves. It was literally raining leaves. And our indoor cat, spying these objects fall gently to the ground pounced at our window in an effort to grab them. The next day we worked off our holiday feast with a family leaf-blowing and raking celebration. I say celebration for this was the first year our girls wanted to help bring in our annual crop of crunchy detritus. I was very excited....

Fairly Odd Parents-Present, Idiosyncratic Celebrations / 22.11.2007

Thanks for the ride! Thanksgiving: a uniquely American holiday. We're supposed to stop what we're doing long enough to remember and appreciate the good things and good people in our lives. No multitasking allowed, unless it's basting a turkey and making a pumpkin pie at the same time. Sometimes it's hard to be thankful for the big picture items: our good health and our good families. They're just "there" as they should be, as we want them to be forever. Giving thanks for these parts of our lives should be a year round endeavor if we can stop just long enough...

News Outta My Control / 13.11.2007

A boy makes a rubbing of his grandfather's name, one of 58,256 etched into the black granite walls of Maya Lin's Vietnam Veterans Memorial. Today the memorial turns twenty-five. Residing in Washington, DC, you sometimes forget you're living in the cross hairs of history. Walks past 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and silver anniversaries of war memorials are gentle reminders. [ Vietnam Veterans Memorial, Maya Lin, Washington, DC ] ...

Fairly Odd Parents-Present / 29.10.2007

Cartoon: young daughter in bed with father saying: Here you go dear...Daddy recorded a year's worth of bedtime stories onto your video iPod.

A parent's primary responsibility is to make sure his children are safe, sheltered, well-fed, and have the best childhood possible. (Hold that thought; I hear my two fighting upstairs and I'd better intervene before someone gets hurt). Ok, I'm back and all are safe.

In return for providing everything they need to grow and become well-adjusted adults I get to watch them explore the world with their innocence and wonder as they learn its lessons. One of the most gratifying aspects of parenthood is getting to experience life through my daughters' eyes.

The truth of the world, as well all know, is handed out slowly, as your children become able to accept it. And parents resort to white lies, ostensibly to protect them until the proper time. But just when is the proper time?

Professional Auteurism / 11.10.2007

The price is right but shipping's a bear. View larger image. I love my iPhone. But I was disappointed when my Sennheiser headphone plug wouldn't fit into the iPhone's recessed receptacle. Nothing but the earphones that came with the phone would. (And those didn't even fit in my ears!) So I waited patiently as Griffin rollout their headphone adapter. It looked to be the perfect attachment for me: small and unobtrusive. And the price seemed right: $9.99. But I think the shipping is just a tad too much, unless I add $40 to my order --then shipping's on them. [ iPhone,...

Fairly Odd Parents-Present / 08.10.2007

nightshot from our hotel room

From our hotel room at the Fairmont. View larger image.

Our fifth and final stop on the 2007 Gates family vacation tour would take us to San Francisco for the wedding of my best-friend-from-the-first-grade's daughter. First grade: back then Ron and I were members of a very exclusive club. Just the two of us, Ron was the president and I was the VP. Our official meetings were brief but boisterous. Uncontrollable laughter was high on the agenda. I remember one sleep over Ron made me laugh so hard I had an asthma attack in the middle of the night (which made him laugh even harder).

Our closeness led to the inevitable: our desire to elevate our friendship to blood-brother status. But when the time came to go under the knife we both chickened out. We decided becoming "hair brothers" would be just as good but not as deadly. Each of us pulled a lock from our scalps, exchanged follicles, and ceremoniously transplanted them onto our own heads. Today, Ron has a full head of my hair and I am bald.

The by-laws of our childhood club clearly stated that all members would attend the weddings of their respective children --someday. Once a hair brother, always a hair brother; the time had come.