Fairly Odd Parents-Present / 08.05.2005

An object can only achieve its meaning by being exchanged. Allan McCollum THANKS by Allan McCollum You can never compliment the mother of your children enough. Dinners made, fannies wiped, tears softened --the list is endless. And so for my wife, the mother of my two little ones, I have found the perfect Mother's Day gift: Allan McCollum's THANKS Visible Markers. These are a great way to actively demonstrate my appreciation for the often invisible, but major things Mom does for all of us. Family acts of kindness are easily camouflaged in the buzz of daily life. Now I can express my feelings in...

Fairly Odd Parents-Present / 24.04.2005

When buying clothes, it's easy to throw men into an abyss. And it can happen with just the simplest little twist. Just yesterday my significant other along with our two very significant little others went to an outlet mall. The kids needed new shoes, my wife needed new pants, and I, well, I needed something. I was sure I needed something. I always look forward to finding a bargain but when faced with the actual experience of shopping in situ I get very depressed. Depressed to see the "schlock" that's for sale, depressed to see people actually buying that junk, and...

Fairly Odd Parents-Present, Worker's Comp / 06.03.2005

Psst. Hey you. Yah you. Come over here. Wanna buy some cookies? Uh, I got Trefoils. I got your Do-si-dos. I got Double Dutch, Samoas, and Thin Mints. I even got Lemon Coolers. They're lo-cal. What's your pleasure? The Girl Scouts' Thin Mints. Pictured larger than real life, but not as delicious. Thin Mints please. Those delectable chocolate-covered wafers. They seem to melt in your mouth so effortlessly you're scarfing down a whole box before the first commercial of CSI. THIN MINTS! Ummmmm. I want 'em now and I want 'em bad. It's Girl Scout cookie time. I'm not alone. It's the...

Artistic Tendencies, Fairly Odd Parents-Present, Idiosyncratic Celebrations / 27.02.2005

Christo and Jeanne-Claude's The Gates is a spectacle consistent with [the Renaissance art tradition], a piece of elaborate social theater that's an unintentional portrait of our time. That portrait can be poignant and charming; most of all, it's funny. I'm surprised more isn't being made of the ongoing social comedy surrounding The Gates, which is a satirist's dream. Well, actually, I'm not surprised: People are afraid to smile too much around art.

Mark Stevens
New York Magazine

The Gates. "The Gates" has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

Much is being written about Christo's and Jeanne-Claude's latest public art piece in Central Park. There are even homages and parodies (and parodies) of the work. Whatever you think and whatever you've read, it's certainly a cause for celebration: art displacing war on the front pages of major media.

But I'm not here to talk about the work. Instead, let's talk about the title of the work. The Gates. It's nice to see your name in headlines, plastered all over the Web, and on the nightly news. But it certainly isn't the first time.

I'm what you might call a Celebrity, once removed. I see my name on airport and train station signage all the time: "To Gates 71-75." At the Oakland Airport there is even a more personal acknowledgment: "Gates 7-17" (my birthday). And now I'm associated with fine public art.

Yes, my name is famous. But I am merely a country cousin. Not in the real sense. I'm not related to Bill (or to Christo and Jeanne-Claude for that matter). I actually come from a very short line of Gateses. It's just my two daughters and me now. At Ellis Island some low-level official set me up for this by christening my grandfather Herman Guyetsky as Herman Gates. I've given thought to changing it back, but, then, I've built up quite a reputation --once removed of course.

Fairly Odd Parents-Present, Idiosyncratic Celebrations / 24.12.2004

For all you gift-giving procrastinators out there here's a very last minute item for your loved ones: their own domain name. You will keep your sanity (no vain attempts to find a mall parking spot) and the price is right. Two nights ago, as I was kissing my eight year old good night, she blurted: "Tomorrow I'd like to register pokemon-yu-gi-oh.com." For those without children Pokemon and Yu-gi-oh are Japanese anime characters and their trading cards are big business in the pre-teen consumer sector. I don't know how she even knows about registering a domain name. We rarely let her near the...

Fairly Odd Parents-Present, Idiosyncratic Celebrations / 05.12.2004

gift package

I am far from perfect. But I do have two stellar traits I will admit to: I have a good and true sense of direction and I am a great gift giver. I know these things because at this stage in my life I like to think I can honestly assess my strengths and weaknesses, but more importantly, because my wife has told me so.

More on my directional skills at some other time. With the holiday season upon us, today I will focus on seven patented steps you can take to become a good gift giver too. In order of importance:


Fairly Odd Parents-Present / 29.11.2004

Of course it's not like the postcards say it is. It's not glamour everywhere you look. I should know. I live here. This is my town. Peter Appleton The Majestic (Quicktime Movie, 4.3 MB) I was born in Hollywood. And I have a love/hate relationship with the city. When, at 18, I left LA for first time everyone at my Midwest college wanted to know what the hell I was doing there. "When you're 18 everyone's home is a prison," I would reply in my teenage proto-philosopher persona. Everyone knew LA. But I knew nothing about the rest of the world. It's been...

Fairly Odd Parents-Present, Idiosyncratic Celebrations / 26.11.2004

I lost my iPod.

One minute I was listening to This American Life while waiting for my sister-in-law, Janet, to pick me up at the subway's "Kiss and Ride." The next we were in front of her house. As I was getting out of her car that polar white earphone cord swayed in the late November breeze. Naked, empty, and alone.

You know that moment. You stare in disbelief, wondering why your eyes are deceiving you. You know it's there. But you're momentarily blind. Your sight will return with a blink and all will be as it should. And you can continue with your life as planned.

Fairly Odd Parents-Present, News Outta My Control / 18.10.2004

Last night I dreamed my next-door neighbor knocked on my door. After a few days he had cooled down and wanted to talk. I listened to him as he explained his opinions and when he was done I said this: M, look around you. Since the vandalizing of our signs and since you yelled at me your house is almost completely surrounded by neighbors with Kerry posters in their front yards. No matter who is elected in two weeks, you will have to live with us (and we you) for much longer than a presidential term. Is this how you want...

Fairly Odd Parents-Present / 19.09.2004

Planning large-scale family vacations is an art. But like any endeavor of this magnitude good project management is key. So when my sister informed us my niece would be getting married over Labor Day weekend, we began to plan in April.

You don't go to Northern California for a quick weekend. The wedding would be a good excuse for a longer getaway filled with familial bliss, fun, and adventure. Ok, flying two little girls cross-country and keeping them happy for 10 days presented some challenges and might be anything but blissful. Planning would be hard work, but the memories we'd be creating would more than make up for any bumps along the way. That's what we kept telling ourselves.

Now that we are back, it was worth it. The wedding was beautiful. My niece was radiant (sniff, sniff). And I wish her and her new husband the best (I also wished him good luck, now that he is part of our family).

Not that our trip was easy or idyllic. Taking our East coast girls on a picnic to watch the sun set on the Pacific in Carmel was perfect only if you can forget that just as the last vestige of sunlight sunk below the water and my wife and I embraced each other, my 6 year announced she was BORED. Romance wasn't dead. Just delayed. Yes, we will forget that part of it.