Archive for category: Fairly Odd Parents-Present

The Art of Grocery Shopping

01 May 2016
May 1, 2016

Growing up, my family’s grocery shopping was always a major event, something I was forced to endure on a weekly basis. Every Saturday morning my father would comb the newspaper ads for specials. Like the true engineer he was, he mapped his shopping trajectory based on which stores had what deals. We spent the better part of our Saturday going from one market to the next –often four or more. I pushed the cart while he consulted his list. This was not quality father-son time.

With a childhood like that, my grocery shopping has morphed into something less time-consuming. And, my wife and I split the chore. She makes the list and I go to Trader Joe’s, where as they say, everything is a special. But, like my father, I am efficient. I have created a shopping list template for my wife listing the placement of every item in the exact order of my trail through the grocery aisles. I want to get in and out as fast as I can.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed her list has become more a mix between a crossword puzzle, a rebus, and a scavenger hunt. A few weeks back, I got to my last stop in frozen foods where she told me to buy some “Chicken Tenders.” Chicken tenders? We haven’t bought those since my youngest was four. Now that we’re virtual empty nesters (my oldest is in college and my high school senior refuses to eat with us), I couldn’t imagine any recipe we would make that called for processed meat nuggets.

Over the years, I’ve grown to know the people who work at my local Trader Joe’s. We kibitz, we joke, and I complain about their penchant for moving things around without telling me (thus making my ordered shopping list obsolete). So, I stopped George as he walked by. “What do you think this means?” I asked, pointing to my wife’s notation. He stopped to consider my problem. “Does she mean chicken tenderloins?” Yeah, we eat those all the time. That’s what she meant. But, why would she write tenders instead of tenderloins when I could so easily get confused? When I got home I asked her. “Oh, I knew you’d know what I meant.” Really?

My wife's puzzling shopping list

My wife’s list started to become more abstract.

A few weeks later the list told me to buy “1 Unforgetable cheese.” I knew what that meant. Trader Joe’s makes a cheddar cheese that has a hint of Parmesan. It’s tasty and cheap. But, it’s called “Unexpected Cheddar Cheese.” The taste is unforgettable, although, apparently its name is not. I felt triumphant. I had deciphered her code and I didn’t even have to ask for help! But my victory was short-lived. Two lines down was this cryptic item: “round brownish wheat” with an accompanying illustration. Was that a tortilla? Tortillas are right next to the cheeses on my route and I often buy the whole-wheat variety. But she already had written tortillas. And then the next item: “New ones you’ve bought (smaller shape).” Sigh. What the hell was she talking about? Did she want crackers? They were on the other side of the cheese. I stood there while multiple clerks offered to help, that is until they saw the list.

Despite my scientific approach to shopping, my wife espoused a more artistic and interpretive way. I feel comfortable with the order of taxonomy. She likes abstract expressionism. I closed my eyes and picked a box. Wait, two boxes. I could have called her but that would have slowed me down. She would just have to live with the consequences of her artistic spirit. But I felt queasy.

My wife's shopping list, a work of art

Rainbow popsicles, indeterminant crackers, and broccoli parts

And then last week came the ultimate in cryptic mind games: a drawing of steps with the word “crackers” at the top. Okay, I figured out the steps. Those must be shelves. But there were a lot of crackers on the top shelf. This was so arcane, once again I was forced to use my lifeline: this time three clerks who had just been told to move all pasta sauce to the next aisle over. “What is this?” I asked, pointing to the drawing. No one knew. We laughed. They showed the list to their coworkers and they laughed. They understood me. Why didn’t my wife?

Discombobulated, I completely lost sight of my task. I was no longer my father’s son. Instead, I had become one of those undisciplined shoppers, grabbing whatever looked good to me. And, worse, I forgot to buy coffee even though it was clearly written on the list.

My wife couldn’t understand how I could forget the coffee.

Texting Away A Dysfunctional Family

08 Nov 2015
November 8, 2015
A Family Text

After the football game my wife and I took our older daughter out to dinner as we usually do on these Saturday evenings. A celebratory meal, certainly not for the prowess of our team, these after-game dinners reinforce the connections we have with our very independent children. With one in college and the other soon to be, we hardly ever see them. We are pre-empty nesters trying to get the hang of our new reality. This time, our younger daughter was entertaining friends at home. We decided on Ethiopian.

After dinner, we headed back to the dorm. As we inched our way down Main Street, the inebriated crowds of Homecoming alums slowed our trajectory. Suddenly from the back seat, “Shoot, my phone died.” Our eldest was totally disconnected from the outside. Now she was all ours. “So,” I said, do you talk to your sister much?” “A little.” “What do you guys talk about?” “That’s private Dad,” she said. I knew that even before I crossed the line. But, sometimes a father has to try. My wife, chimed in: “Well, I know when I talked to my sisters, we’d mostly talk about how crazy our parents were.” “Yeah, sorta,” my daughter replied. This was no surprise to me either.

We are evolved parents, definitely more together than our parents were. But, often I marvel at our family’s typical dysfunctions. I always wanted to be the parent of an atypical family.

“Dad, can I borrow your phone?” She wanted to text her sister. Handing it to her, it’s now just my wife and I. We chitchatted about the crowds, while I tried to direct her into the right lane. Backseat driving is one of our typical foibles. My wife knew what she’s doing. My daughter handed the phone back to me.

Of course I looked! Nothing much to see. Just a text to her sister saying we’re done with dinner and heading back. Sometimes I think these texts are warnings. Clean up the house and get everyone out. Mom and Dad are coming home. The house always looks nice and tidy upon our return.

My youngest responded with “Kk,” short for “okay.” We arrived at the dorm; we said our goodbyes and watched her walk to her room. While she was walking, it suddenly occurred to me, I had been given an opportunity to smooth over our familial dysfunction just a teensy-weensy. You know, soften it just a bit. I had the text convo between my daughters in my hand. So, I typed, “Oh, and dad was great tonight.” Yes, I know. In the spur of the moment, with great power beckoning, I forgot to add my wife.

Dysfunctional? Yes. Typical? No way.

The Curse: That’s One Small Step For Man…

21 Oct 2015
October 21, 2015
Accident scene

I forgot to take a picture of my foot stuck in the Metro escalator. So, like all good crime stories, I have recreated the scene. X marks the spot.

As I arrived at the surface from my subway commute, suddenly, a short, old woman, dressed in a mid February coat, crossed my path. “Pfeh,” she said in her Slavic-sounding accent, “to you and your descendants!” I ignored her. But I had been cursed. And I hadn’t even reached my cubicle yet.

Strange things began to happen; sudden and unexplained mishaps started affecting every project I was working on. One coworker checked to see if Mercury was in retrograde. It wasn’t. “It’s The Curse,” I said. By afternoon everyone was in agreement.

On Friday, things went better. The problems persisted, but no new ones appeared. By the end of the day I was able to take a deep breath. That woman’s power seemed to be waning. The weekend beckoned and it was time to go home. As I walked down the subway escalator, I began taking out my wallet with my pass so I could effortlessly get to the platform and catch the next train home. But, as I grabbed my wallet a receipt fell to the escalator steps. As I reached the bottom I turned slightly to retrieve it. I hadn’t even bent over when suddenly my foot got caught in the teeth as the stairs go underground for their return to the top. It felt like my shoe had been sucked into the system. It jammed and the escalator came to a sudden halt. My shoe was wedged so tightly I couldn’t move or even feel my foot. So I couldn’t tell if I was hurt. My toes were totally immobile.

A woman just behind me pressed the emergency stop and went to get the station manager. I stood there contorted as other commuters passed me by. The station manager came out of her kiosk to see what was happening. She was about forty feet away from me. I yelled, “Come here and reverse the escalator! Come help me!” She stood there for a few seconds, then she turned and left, saying she needed to report it. I continued to greet commuters as they made their way home. Some passed me by as if I was invisible. One man stopped to ask if I was okay. He was conflicted. Should he stay with me? I told him help had been summoned.

Waiting, somewhat embarrassed and concerned, did I take a photo of my situation as documentation? No, it didn’t even occur to me. Instead, my first thought was to tweet the calamity to the world. And, the Twitterverse began to respond. Retweets of my tweet. Someone blasted the station managers union. A Washington Post reporter tweeted her phone number. As small as my reputation was, I didn’t want it sullied by The Curse. “Nobody needed to know,” I told her. “Well,” she replied, “you did tweet this to everyone.” Um, yes, I did, didn’t I. With my 140 character announcement I had ceded all control over its worldwide coverage. I had announced my predicament to the world without a second thought. The Curse.

The station manager never returned. She never asked me if I was okay and she never filed an accident report as she was supposed to. I heard the faint roar of sirens in the distance.

Suddenly, my boss was standing next to me. She, too, was on her way home. “Are you okay?” she asked. I didn’t know. “Can you get your shoe off?” I couldn’t. I explained how tightly it was wedged in the machinery. She tried to get it off but couldn’t. Another coworker arrived and together they were able to extricate my foot from my shoe. I checked my toes and all were still accounted for. I seemed to be fine. The sirens got closer. I told my boss she didn’t have to stay. Now my attention turned to the fate of my shoe. As many of my friends know, I’m a shoe whore. My wife calls me Imelda. I call it my collection. When I began retelling this story the state of my shoe was the first thing friends asked about.

I couldn’t see the street but the sirens got loud and suddenly stopped. Two firetrucks and an ambulance. Five firemen now stood at the top of the escalator while the gathering crowd looked down on me. One bystander, unable to get to the train, was robbed while walking to the next station. He tweeted it. It was a crumbling house of cards. I was centerstage, but The Curse was hitting us all.

My rescuers made their way down the escalator to assess my situation. My foot was fine. My shoe might be. And the station manager finally made an appearance with a pad of paper trying to look like she was working. She was still oblivious to my wellbeing. But the firemen were kind enough to ask.

My rescuer

Selfie with one of my rescuers. Why the hell am I smiling?

The one with the crowbar got my shoe out. Not a scratch despite the death grip the escalator had on it. My rescuers were quite taken with that. “High quality suede always holds up,” I commented. I asked for a celebratory photo.

I battled that curse for the rest of the evening and well into the next day when, on the last play of the game, Michigan State’s Watts-Jackson scooped up the ball on a failed Michigan punt and ran for the winning touchdown with no time left on the clock. I had won! I beat that old crone with her unwarranted curse.

I was finally back in control.

A New Flag For Our Lawn

03 Jul 2015
July 3, 2015

I suggested some alternatives to the realtor who plants American flags on our lawns every 4th of July.

When it comes to our little plot of suburban heaven, we are outliers. We couldn’t care less about having a perfect lawn. No monthly weed treatments and I do all the mowing. Some years, to make its upkeep a little less mundane, I do creative mowing. The best thing you can say about our grass is it’s green. And, if you squint, it looks lush and, well, even greener.

Every year we get a new and different lawn. And, by that I mean a new and different species of weed takes over. We are beholden to the wind and rain for our greens. Sometimes it’s long and bushy, but this year we were lucky. It’s thick and low —great ground cover that only requires mowing every month or so. The grass doesn’t get taller; it gets denser. So, this morning, as a prequel to the July 4th holiday I got up early and started to mow. We live at an entrance to a 500 acre park and many will be parking their cars next to our house to hike in. I didn’t want to be the embarrassment of the neighborhood.

Halfway through this chore I saw a woman walking down the street planting small plastic American flags by each house’s driveway. I’ve known this woman for over ten years. She is one of our local realtors and, even though she has denied it, this is a well-known marketing scheme in real estate. Our first conversation about it was over the phone in 2003:

I introduced myself and asked if she had been the one to place the flag in our front yard. “Yes,” she admitted proudly. “That was me.” I began by asking her if she had considered asking homeowners if she could place the flag on our lawns. The notion of land ownership is also deeply imbedded in the American psyche. We fought a civil war over rules of ownership. I didn’t appreciate her assumption I would be pleased with the gift she left in front of my house. She told me it would have been difficult to ask each homeowner as she had placed over 700 flags throughout the area. I suggested this might be a reason to rethink her act of generosity.

She didn’t quite understand my initial dismay but, over the years we’ve come to respect each other. She emigrated many years ago from Greece and I can appreciate her perspective. Now, she never places a flag on our lawn without asking and I don’t force her to listen to my didactic lecture on the selling of American patriotism.

So, when I saw her this morning I stopped my mowing to chat. At first, I didn’t recognize her and thought another agent had taken over the flag placements for her. Just a new hairdo and change of color. I was glad to see her. Our yearly get-together has become a 4th of July tradition. And we caught up on the last year.

Suddenly, I had an idea. “You know what would have been great?” I said to her. “If you had placed rainbow flags up and down the street instead of American flags.” She didn’t understand so I made the connection. “It’s so timely and would make such a wonderful statement.” She said that they have to order the flags months in advance so she couldn’t have known to order different flags back then. I told her I was just kidding, well in a “can’t we dream” sort of way. “Oh, wait,” trying to think of a twist she could relate to. “You’re from Greece. What if you had put Greek flags up and down the street to make a statement about the country’s debt crisis?” “Well, Greek Independence Day is celebrated in March,” she replied. Why do people always take me so literally? But I had one last thought: “The finals of the Women’s World Soccer Cup are Sunday. What if you put American and Japanese flags on lawns to celebrate that?” “Would you let me put them on your lawn?” she asked. “Um, maybe.”

When it comes to our little plot of suburban America, we are outliers. Way outliers.

And the Morning Isn’t Even Over Yet

22 Jun 2015
June 22, 2015

Chapter One: An Interaction With a Teenager

Earlier this morning I dropped my younger daughter off at school to take the ACT test. As we got into the car she immediately turned the radio to her favorite station. Mumford & Sons’ Believe was playing. Now, trying to connect with my 17 year old is always an iffy thing. Will I get merely grunts and groans to anything I say or a brisk reaction meant to shut down any conversation? I never know. The terrain is a minefield. Yet, I choose to traverse it every day in hopes I will have some meaningful interactions with her (honestly, I’d be very happy with just a little idle chitchat).

But I’m a risk taker so I asked, “Do you like this song?” “Yeah,” she said, “I have it on my phone.” I saw an opening so I continued. “Well, their latest album is very different than their old stuff. They’ve dropped the banjo.” “Yeah, I know,” she replied. Moving forward, “Well, aren’t you surprised I know about them?” Her retort: “Aren’t they on old band?” Emphasis on OLD. “Um, no not really.” “Oh, um, okay. I hope we make to to school on time,” signaling our music interlude was over.

The thing is, I’ve never heard any Mumford & Sons music. Ever. But a couple weeks ago I was walking home from work and they were being interviewed on NPR’s All Things Considered. That’s how I knew their music had changed from their earlier “propulsive, rootsy, acoustic music” to a more “plugged in” variety. “Goodbye banjo, goodbye accordion and double bass.” Melissa Block’s words. I grabbed what I had, took a chance, and went with it. While I was in the zone I reminded her to take in the garbage cans when she got home. The things fathers do to connect with their daughters. Boy, was I good. And, thank you NPR for guiding me through today’s minefield.

Chapter Two: An Interaction with a Twenty-Something

Whenever I ride the subway I like to sit in the seats that face the center aisle. They’re close to the door and I don’t seem to get car sick when I’m tweeting. But most of these seats are reserved for “Seniors or those with disabilities.” And, over the years, I’ve kept a lookout for those who truly need these seats. I’ve been more than happy to let them sit down.

I was extra happy to actually turn into a bonafide senior citizen last year. Finally, I would feel no shame at sitting there, but I still offered my seat to those who needed it more than me. In part, I feel good when I’m giving. But, as a former father of two toddlers I took to daycare every day on the Metro, I truly was grateful for the kindness of strangers who gave up their seats so my girls could sit down.

Lately, I’ve had back problems so now I am both a senior and someone who genuinely could use a seat. Today, I was sitting there next to a young woman who was texting. A mother and her five year old entered the crowded train and, without thinking, I stood up and offered the child my seat. That was no mean feat in a moving train with a bad back. The law of paying it forward required it and I gladly did so.

But as I stood there looking down at that young woman, who hadn’t looked up once since sitting there, I wondered if I should say something. “Don’t do it!” my inner sense told me. “Don’t wreck the morning.” But I continued to think about it. I don’t look my age and have been waiting for someone to challenge me about sitting in senior seats. I was all ready with my response: “I’m 65 and I appreciate that my outsides look deceptively young. But, I assure you,” I would say, showing them my Senior SmartTrip Card, “that my insides are right on track.”

I wanted to say something. But I didn’t want to come across as an angry old man (okay, an angry old man who looks like an angry younger man). As we got closer to my stop I kept wondering: should I do it? And, suddenly I found my voice. I leaned down and quietly said to her, “Miss, I don’t want to embarass you but these seats are reserved for people who need them. I’m 65 and have a bad back but I got up to let this child sit down. I hope you will think about it, the next time you sit here.” She simply nodded that she understood. No rolling of eyes and no smart-aleck retort. I was proud of myself for coming up with the right words and the right delivery and I was proud of her for listening. I couldn’t believe my good fortune.

Chapter Three: An Interaction with Three Thirty-Somethings

Feeling the inner glow of not one but two successes so early in the day, I got out of the train at the next stop and made my way to the exit. As I was leaving I noticed the station manager hugging two other women. The feeling was infectious. And I found myself suddenly blurting, “Are you giving away hugs?” All three of them wrapped their arms around me for a group hug.

As I walked the block to my office I pondered the last two hours, feeling a bit overwhelmed. Interesting interactions are the souvenirs of my life. And I had just been handed three special ones. What a great way to start the day. And the morning isn’t even over yet!

My Father’s Day Gift

21 Jun 2015
June 21, 2015

A gift is not a thing. It’s a thought. And sometimes I wear these thoughts around my neck as a talisman, bringing me good fortune and as a reflection of my hard work.

© 2001-2015 Jeff Gates ISSN 1544-4074