Sonic Bummer

26 Jun 2002
June 26, 2002

I knew it! I knew it!

Earlier this month I mentioned that the sound of children’s crying could drive someone mad. I suggested someone invent a deafening device to save parents from approaching the brink. One must be careful for what one wishes for.

In a twist, the Pentagon has taken my research and is now developing a weapon that WILL drive people (i.e. our enemies) into submission using the cries of babies. Our government wants to harness the power of this innocent, yet untapped demographic to help in the war effort!

I never meant for my problem to become others’. I never thought my wishful “thinking out loud” would lead to the development of a weapon so powerful, so utterly agonizing that the very thought pummels me into capitulation.

Conservatives and the Bush administration are worried about cloning and using stem cells for research. What are the moral underpinnings of developing a race of supersonic criers? Will researchers vie for government grants to identify the genes responsible for decibel potency? And will the rush to develop such a weapon take precedence over other audible (and dare I say, cultural) developments?

Will composers and conductors be called to duty, dropping their metronomes and batons for the good of our country? Will our hearing impaired be drafted for this new war effort? Afterall, while the reports state that operators of this new superweapon will not hear those killer sounds, stealth covert activities during transmission will require special operatives, those who would most certainly need to be immune to its effect.

Finally, who will raise these supertykes? If they’re kept at home, they (and their poor families) will certainly have to be segregated. Auditory ghettos will arise. Huge Cones of Silence will have to be built around these zones. We are inching perilously close to that slippery slope!

Where do I sign my daughter up for field testing?

1 reply
  1. meryl says:

    Uh-toh! That’s hard to believe… I searched everywhere for The Onion logo. But then again… I haven’t met too many parents who didn’t go crazy over a child’s cries or whines at one time or another. Yes, even me! I wear hearing aids… and after I had had enough — turned ’em off.

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